Mountain Biking: A Wheelsucker Report

Apart from the two road racing bikes, the rain/indoor trainer bike, the TT bike, the fixie and the Powercranks bike, the wheelsucker has a mountain bike. So far he has mostly ridden it downtown for coffee, as it is nice in traffic (one sits more upright, and can be seen better). In fact he has only been off-road with it once, in Quiet Waters park. The dirt on the tires has been left on so others would not immediately realize the wheelsucker was a poseur when it came to mountain biking. The wheelsucker has wanted to try riding off road, but his cycling workout schedule has either had him on road bikes of one kind or another, or recovering, every day since last November. But all this changed after the Deep Blue TT; the wheelsucker was – and is -- free to try other things. So when the Latitude/ABRT mountain bike team started e-mailing about a ride, the wheelsucker thought, "Why not?", and "I’m in!"

The wheelsucker showed up at the appointed parking lot at the appointed time, let young Tom adjust his tire pressure and front fork (thanks, Tom!), and then they were off.

But it turns out there is no place to hide in the woods, no way to wheelsuck and let others do the work; no way to hide the wheelsucker’s weaknesses.

Whoever came up with “It is hard to teach an old dog a new trick” was on to something, thought the wheelsucker as he struggled after his teammates, who were somewhere well up the trail. Mountain biking is not easy, and it is not easy to learn either.

The quiet of the woods was rent by loud “Uhhhh” sounds as the wheelsucker fell, hitting rocks and tree roots and temporarily deflated his lungs on impact, or simply fell into a tree (same “Uhhhh sound on impact) he was trying to go around. The rocks and stones were unhurt, and the tree he ran into did not appear to be damaged; the wheelsucker did not get off as lightly.

When he wasn’t hitting rocks and trees, the wheelsucker’s helmet was fending off low hanging braches. This seemed a useful feature to the wheelsucker, until the time he partly hooked a branch with the helmet, and had a very strange sensation as the helmet slowed down while still attached to his head.

Why was the wheelsucker falling all the time you ask? Perhaps it was his failing eyesight; unable to notice the tree roots and rocks partly hidden by sun-dappled leaves, or maybe it was the trail his team mates picked which apparently went through many streams/creeks (or maybe the same stream over and over again), and over some number of large logs, a section paved with logs (BTW, the origin of the word corduroy.. cord du Roi.. were roads built for the king of France). Then there was the difficulty steering while the front wheel was in the air, having bounced up over a large log, or lifting off the ground as the wheelsucker frantically tried to propel the bike up a steep section.

As the wheelsucker tired and overheated, he started to wonder if he was going to get lost in the woods. His teammates would tire of waiting for him, or they would not stop at a fork, and the wheelsucker would take the wrong turn, and ride down a trail by himself. Eventually, realizing he was lost, he would use the GPS in his iPhone to try to navigate his way to a road, but the iPhone battery would die before he made it, and would be stranded in the woods with winter coming on. :-)

Fortunately for the wheelsucker the others were willing to stop and wait for him many times. They would rest, and then when an exhausted, bruised and battered wheelsucker would roll up, they would be ready to go on. Eventually, after two and a half hours, the wheelsucker made it back to his car.

By that time it hurt to pedal and hurt to walk. The wheelsucker had difficulty removing his cycling clothes to put on dry clothes. When the others noticed that there wasn’t any fresh blood dripping from him, they offered to take him back out for more (I am not making this up).

Getting into his car was hard. The wheelsucker could barely drive it home as his right leg was so stiff and sore. Once parked at home, he was barely able to get out of the car.

The wheelsucker’s thoughts on mountain biking:
1. Thanks to the guys for waiting so many times
2. Riding over large logs is a skill the wheelsucker needs to work on
3. Clipping in an out of the pedals gets harder as the wheelsucker tires
4. Apparently the bike can take rather more than the rider
5. The bike does not steer well when you are braking
6. Not braking means you hit the next tree/rock/ground a LOT harder
7. Perhaps the wheelsucker’s weight weenie tires need to be replaced with wider tires
8. Maybe the wheelsucker is too old a dog: For Sale: one Motobecane 9627 Fly weight weenie mountain bike ;-)
9. It all feels better with ibuprofen and Goslings rum (for medicinal purposes only, you understand).